ME: Shhhh! I'm trying to communicate telepathically with my lost love.
THE VOICE IN MY HEAD: Does he know how fat your arms have gotten?
ME: STOP! Seriously. . . what if he hears you?
THE VOICE IN MY HEAD: So, what? You're just not gonna tell him. Sounds like that's not the best way to reconnect.
ME: I just don't think that's the most important thing to tell him right now.
THE VOICE IN MY HEAD: Oh, I see, you're not gonna be honest. Maybe you HAVEN'T grown up.
ME: No, it's not that, it's just that. . .
MY LOST LOVE: Oh hey, Ronnie. Wow! It's been such a long time. You look like you're well. . . fed.
ME: Yeah, I guess I'm not starving anymore.
THE VOICE IN MY HEAD: You can say that again.
ME: SHUT UP!
MY LOST LOVE: Good one!
ME: Wait, hold up, guys. That's not cool. Sure, I've put on some pounds, but that's a good thing. Remember, I was LITERALLY starving.
MY LOST LOVE: Sure, but you were hot.
THE VOICE IN MY HEAD: Well, like her body was hot cause she was so thin, but her face. . . that's kinda always looked like a cockroach.
MY LOST LOVE: Oh my god, you nailed it right on the head! Her face DOES look like a cockroach!!
THE VOICE IN MY HEAD: Like a buxom cockroach now.
MY LOST LOVE: Oooooh, looks like someone came out after the lights went out and got into the grains and the cat food.
THE VOICE IN MY HEAD: Ohhh shit, look at that cockroach! Its arms are so fat it can't even get back down the drain. Guess it'll just have to eat some more.
MY LOST LOVE: Oh, man, that's fucking hilarious. . . Hey, what do you say we go down to the bar and check out the talent. ASU's back in session, and you know that like 95% of those chicks do blow.
THE VOICE IN MY HEAD: Oh shit, you know what that means -- blow equals bones, bro!
MY LOST LOVE: Awww fuck yeah, ain't nothin hotter than a young, bony broad!
THE VOICE IN MY HEAD: Hell yeah, I love me some bones!
MY LOST LOVE: Bone, bone, bone, bohhhhn.
THE VOICE IN MY HEAD: Nice.
MY LOST LOVE: Bones!
THE VOICE IN MY HEAD: Bones!
MY LOST LOVE: BONES!!
THE VOICE IN MY HEAD: BONES!!
MY LOST LOVE: BONES!!!
THE VOICE IN MY HEAD: BONES!!!
MY LOST LOVE: BONES!!!!
THE VOICE IN MY HEAD: BONES!!!!
MY LOST LOVE: BONES!!!!!
THE VOICE IN MY HEAD: BONES!!!!!
ME: Hello? Hey guys. . . Hello???
In Case You Were Wondering . . .
Sometimes Ronnie D writes funny stuff. Sometimes she writes desperate teenage prose. Most times she just slams her feeble, little woman-hand onto the keyboard in an attempt to feel something, anything.