I can almost guarantee you it was not Halloween. I've always just been really into Halloween.
You know those movies where people finally break emotionally and live in a world that's always like Christmas?
Well, that will most likely be me.
But with Halloween.
According to the opening line, it appears as if I've been staving off this break for quite some time now, sooo. . .
WHO WANTS TO CARVE A PUMPKIN??
About taking my dead cat across the border?
Score it with this.
In honor of six years without a drink, here's a silly video I made back when I used to drink.
And when I was sick of people, so I worked with dolls instead.
Shaken, stirred, sipped from the source -- however you like your period, I'm serving it up in this cycle's LADY MOOD!
What started as ovulation in a Sonoma County vineyard, PMS at a Mendocino County tide pool, and raggin' it up at a roadside rest stop, LADY MOOD's 38th Annual Menstrual Cocktail Week takes a break from death and blood to celebrate the month that marks six years since I've had a drink.
Complete with darkness, my favorite libation, and a simple recipe for a Southwestern twist on a classic Southern cocktail, the latest LADY MOOD proves: I'm just no fun anymore.
"29 days of fertility on the wall,
29 days of fertility.
If one of those days should happen to shrivel up and die inside me,
28 days of fertility on the wall."
My fertility is falling fast! Get your order in at the bar before someone cuts you off. Hold it in your shaky, weak, little hands, like you hold that bitch-ass bottle of IPA.
Yeah. I said it.
*makes eye contact because it's bad luck if you don't*
If it weren't for the alarm on my Windows Phone, I would've totally forgotten I'm at Brigett's TONIGHT at 8pm.
Then John Henry would've put me on his shitlist and done some weird ritualistic thing to a voodoo doll he made of me from greasy, spit-on bar napkins and his own belly hair, then all of a sudden a bitch got a backache.
So THANK GOD FOR WINDOWS PHONE!
I even put a note on my mirror, just in case I spaced it out again.
I CANNOT risk another DIY voodoo mystery illness during my "unconventional" employment; the Minute Clinic at the back of the CVS does NOT know how to treat such things, other than send you to the craft aisle to get supplies to make your own doll to battle back.
The American Health Care System, am I right? Always treating the symptoms, never the source. *smh*
Anyhoo, come laugh with us.
Just stare angrily at the back wall in protest of everything we are as human beings. Yeah, that's right, keep your back turned. You don't wanna listen to us. We get it. We love it. GIVE IT TO US!!! GIVE IT TO US!!!! YES!!! YES!!!! YES!!!! HECKLE ME, DICK!!!!! IT'S THE ONLY WAY I CAN FEEEEEEL!!!!
*collapses in ecstasy atop the accessible table at Starbucks*
BABY IN STROLLER: I'll have what she's having.
BABY IN STROLLER'S MOM: Don't worry, sweetie, I'll ignore you enough to read memes on my phone and internet stalk a man who isn’t your father that you'll turn into a stand-up comedian one day too.
Woooh! Sorry. That really went somewhere I wasn't expecting.
I really hope my set isn't like that tonight.
Oh hey, did I ever tell you how I ended up in San Francisco in the first place?
My cat had JUST died in my arms, and. . .
SEE YOU TONIGHT!!
Hey there! I’ve been be-boppin’ through the multiverse on a 2012 vibe, so I've obviously lost track of time.
I just recently realized it’s May, not March. I’ve been in March this whole time. And on March 18th, I didn’t have any shows. But on May 18th, I do have a show. Unfortunately, I was originally in 2012, and on May 18, 2012, I didn't have a show.
I know this is a little confusing, so here, I scribbled an infographic on the back of a Yuba City gas station receipt where I got a fill-up and two scoops of Thrifty’s ice cream for dinner last night.
Now, I didn’t scribble the infographic on the receipt last night, I scribbled it today when I found it in my back pocket and needed something to scribble on.
Time. *sigh* It’s just all over the place, right? OMG I’d love so much to talk to you about the constructs of time right now, but THERE’S NO TIME!!
Now the real problem is, today is the 17th, not the 18th.
So I DO have a show.
And I’m rushing to get there.
See, a couple days ago I had a craving for the edge of the earth. I got a hot tip on a beach up north on the way to a Redwood Grove in Oregon that that guy living in his van that I met the first night I rolled into my brothers’ place told me about, so I followed a Westfalia (another van guy) to the PCH and checked off that mark.
There’s a ton to say about the history of this beach and the area, but THERE'S NO TIME!!
When I checked my atlas after spending all day wandering the shore, I realized that Redwood Grove is the one I went through on my way back from the Eclipse last summer. I wanted new trees, so I headed east on the 20 instead.
Long story short, I grabbed an hour or two of sleep on the south shore of Lake Tahoe, caught the sunrise through the fog, and came into Carson City just as everything was turning that Western morning gold.
I knew I’d have to make a decision once I hit the intersection at the bottom of the Sierras: Do I head north or south?
Then I realized the date.
And that it'd been almost three weeks since I dropped my cat off at my dad’s.
ANNND I have a show at one of my favorite spots with some of my favorite people, so I should probably head back to Arizona.
So I ended up heading south on my beloved 395.
If you zoom in on the sign, you'll see a sticker. I have so much to say about this sticker and this highway and how it relates to my life and how random and amazing I found this, but THERE'S NO TIME!!
Of course, I started my period mid-drive too. So I scribbled the first couple pages of this cycle’s Lady Mood at a rest stop on the side of some California highway.
Ugh, I just wanna curl into a ball in my driver’s seat and curse everything.
Ahhh, but I gotta get home to the cat.
And to the show. . .
Just trying to stay caffeinated.
Just trying to keep driving.
Just trying to get truckers to honk their horns.
That piercing sound keeps me awake.
And back in THIS year.
What year is it again???
Ahhh, scheiß egal.
SEE YOU TONIGHT!!!
(Unless I fall asleep in the Wendy’s on Indian School's parking lot on my way there. If that’s the case, I'm sorry. We’ll try again on May 17 or May 18, 2024.)
In Case You Were Wondering . . .
Sometimes Ronnie D writes funny stuff. Sometimes she writes desperate teenage prose. Most times she just slams her feeble, little woman-hand onto the keyboard in an attempt to feel something, anything.